Every new year signifies a new start to me, but this particular coming one signifies my first year in university. Although denial has been given to resist the pressue and responsibility as an adult, I know I have to start to do something, that I will benefit from in the future. I went to ANZ bank today and I change my Equip Saver acount into Internet/call Acount. The rate is 7.00% if the balance is over 2000. Although I know part of those money in that account will be used when my mother goes back to China, but I decides to save money to replace the 'gap', so that I can still have the interests. Three months to go for 2000 dollars. I have 12 weeks and it means that each week I have to save 166.67 dollars at least. This is not easy since my part-time job does not pay me much more than a hundred or two. Just these couple of weeks I have more than 30 hours do not ensure the upcoming rosters.

Banking is not the only thing the kicks off the new year, studying is also a huge part of it. Because I did not take NCEA Level 2 and 3 chemistry, I need to study at least of this subject during this holiday, for preparing next year's chemistry paper. It sounds to me getting average B+ at this moment , as a goal. But I also feel jealous that some of the people I know get average A+ for the first year. I still do not know anything about the exam system in University, but one thing is sure that, I want to study Med in second year.

Accomodation is still an uncertainty since my parents are still waiting for Housing, and I, am still waiting for my father's arrival, which is still uncertain. Withing this week, I have to apply for student allowance, because I am not a kid any more and I need to start being responsible to my own living. So my parents are not rich enough for me to get through another couple of years of teenage life. But of course it is good for me to control my own finance.

Relationships are still a cloud for me. I seem to be quite, not easy to show my positive facial expressions towards people. I feel more and more isolated and it ends up that I want to be isolated. Of course I want some friends celebrating the important fests or holidays with me. But somehow I feel like only those people work with me at BK are really fun to 'play' with, the others, nah.

So everytime I look at my 2007 diary I will imagine my  big coming busy year. But at least I know what I want and I know how to achieve it, as I am human. This is important so that I can approach my aims step by step. Altough there are many gaps or blanks in my  current life page, solutions are to stop them bugging me. So everytime I will avoid to show up my blank pages. How will I draw 2007??? I think I would like to paste the pictures of all most beautiful cities in the world, and there are many colors too. Then I think color and width of wisdom are two main themes that I want for my 2007.  I am working hard to be superb Erikologist! So I also encourage people around me, (although there are not many), to start your planing for the new year!

  John Mayer's "Continuum", featuring "Waiting On The World To Change", which expresses his unsatisfaction towards the current system in society, including politics, media, etc. My favourtie song is the 7th one which called "Stop The Train". I like this song especially its lyrics, "No, I'm not colorblind/ Iknow the world is black and white/ I try to keep an open mind/ But I just can't sleep on this tonight." The start of the song describes a sleepless night that narrator spends on thinking about the two sides of the world.

In fact, in this song, narrator truely has experienced two extreme situations, one is when he wants to stop the train, the other when he doesn't. "Stop this train/ I want to get off/ And go home again/ I can't take the speed it's moving in/ I know I can't/ But honestly, won't someone stop this train?" This is the chorus of the song. "Don't know how else to say it/ I don't want to see my parents go/ One generation's length away/ From fighting life out on my own." This foreshadows that in this song, the train is metaphorically same as time, not exactly the same though. The train is going too fast in speed, means narrator feels that time is going too fast. He wants to stop the train so that he will not experience the ruthless prints that it would have left - the passing-away of his parents for example. This part of the song is just like the words we worry about now: death, old, life, past... This sounds negative and passive.

"So scared of getting older/ I'm only good at being young/ So I play the numbers game/ To find a way to say that life has just begun." The second bridge of the song leads me into the second stage of narrator's thought - the middle-age. He thinks he is getting old and tries to cover the traces of his age by "pllaing the numbers game". His demand of stopping the train is impossibly practical, he finally feels lonely of aging. 

But my favourite part of this song is the next part - asking for help. The stanza is the conversation between narrator and his father, or his 'old man'. "Had a talk with my old man/ Said 'help me understand'/ He said 'turn sixty-eight'/ 'You'll renegotiate'." This is the turning point of narrator's attitude, as his father's words foreshadow the 'renegotiation' when he comes to sixty-eight years old. But what is the reason for this change, that he does not want to stop the train any more? Pain, loneliness, and death. Maybe everything becomes nothing for him when he becomes old, since he experiences all gain and loss in life. "Don't stop this train/ Don't for a minute change the place you're in/ And don't think I couldn't ever understand/ I tried my hand/ John, honestly we'll never stop this train." This should be what narrator's father says to him after, 'forcing' him not to change the place he is and stop the train. Isn't that the positive message that sent out from this song? Not to be scared by the traces of time but to stay who you are, and experience life.

"Once in a while, when it's good/ It'll feel like it should/ And they're all still around/ And you're still safe and sound/ And you don't miss a thing/ Til you cry when you're driving away in the dark/ Singing/ Stop this train/ I want to get off/ And go home again/ I can't take the speed it's moving in/ I know I can't/ Cause now I see I'll never stop this train."

That is the last stanza of its lyrics, it should come to the ending point of the narrator's life, the second person should be indicating his loved ones, since they 'singing' they want to stop the train. Last sentence reflects narrator's understanding that his father has mentioned before, that when he gets aged, he will realize no one can stop this train.

But what has this song given to listeners is the message to cherish your time and life, as no one can stop it going. Time is fast and every time when I look back on my past, I feel regretful that I did what I feel ashamed to do, maybe complaining about life, wasting my time, etc. But by now, I also feels time is fast and if you do not do what you should do, you can hardly get a second chance. I wanted to be a musician or a director, or maybe even now I do, but all they need is an early start. I grew up and I realized what I was going to do was my aim in my primary - to become a doctor. I want to do too many things, but time does not allow me to do all. Still remembering the first stanza of this song's lyrics:" I know the world is black and white." Even I know it, it will be likely that I will make the mistakes again, I feel ashamed of my nature......

  In James Baxter's "The Bay", the narrator revisits the carved bay where he spends his innocent childhood, and sees all the changes by human activity. He says he "For the sake of going on living....... Stand like stone and cannot turn away." The readers can understand his pain that nothing can be done to bring him back to the bay where the alley is not overgrown. This brings me the idea to talk about facing changes that irreversable in life.

I came to New Zealand three years ago, and the first obvious change was the usage of English. Because from the first day that I attended Penrose High, it signified that all I had to face was in English: the forms, papers, books, conversation...... Of course I was calmed because it was expected to happen sooner or later, if I chose to come to this country. But the way I attempted to cope with it, was to get as many chances as possible to learn. I am a lazy person, so answer other people's questions or try to write some English homework could be tough as try to memorise English words. But I thought time could improve it, so I did not worry much about it. Maybe because English was one of my favourite subjects back in China, even I learned little English in China, my passion on learning this language was not little, and I think that was the most important, since I was willing to learn it, instead of being passive.

I also needed to face the change from teenage into adulthood. This is probably harder than I think it will be, and I am still trying to cope with it. The feelings I have is strange, anxious, sad, and regretful. I feel strange because the people I cope with are no longer treating you like a kid, I have responsibility to myself and everything I do can be effective to others around as well, like my family. This makes me feel strange because there is suddenly a transparent boundary that rules me out from innocence and wildness. I feel anxious because of the uncertainty, that makes me worry about all the possible things that could happen in a second or a minute, or tomorow. I also feel sad because I am no long be the one that everyone cares, but I have to play a role of caring myself and sometimes other people. I feel regretful because I still have not enjoyed my youth fantacy enough before I turn into an adult. But living is certain and the only choice, that's why I find myself feeling so empty sometimes but filled with hope as well.

So being calmed means being passive and depressed? I still do not know exactly how it happens. But somehow being too passionate and active can bring up more regrets to me. I think it is because of my passion lasts not long enough. Someimes I like doing this but the next day my passion or affection on it will be gone.

Mariam's "Unlimited" has a main concept of "time is limited, not life", this collaborates with "going on living" in "The Bay". Because even living brings uncertainties and irreversable changes that we have to attempt to cope with, but we can make the most experience and learning out of the limited time, to make our lives unlimited. Although there is still a transparent boundary that rules me out from innocence and wildness, this boundary seems too small to block my imagination and innovation in life, just like in "Garlic Flower", "You want to be amused by garlic flower? Or to be one of them that enlightens the others?"

The change of weather just makes many people sick. I am one of them. I am supposed to be one of the BK Panmure closers but it so happens that I am too sick to work. The changing weather in Auckland can be so quick, such as a sunny morning then a cloudy afternoon, then a rainy evening.

When you read this post you should realize the change of Board Picture. This reminds a lot of  people who still doing their hard work, or the ones who are still in their mood of holidays, that the Christmas is coming. Even by the end of November, the "famous" Auckland Christmas Parade in downtown already fired an opening for Christmas events. And on last weekend, the "historic" event Chrismas In The Park also signified the light-up of Chrismas Trees.

Many of my Asian budies went back to their hometowns in Asia. But one place I know so far - Canton, must also start the Chrismas atmosphere already. Although Canton is in China, and its so-called Chrismas will not have Chrismas trees lighted everywhere on streets like Auckland; but Chrismas already becomes the time that advertisers or retailers provoke their customers' excitement, and of course, their passion on shopping. So that even Chrismas in Auckland is always quiet and peaceful, it is more likely that I will choose not to be back in China during Christmas period. But of course, even at this moment, I am still not sure about if I will go back to China or not.

But go back to the topic of weather, it is still bugging me that the summer in Auckland does not make me feel hot. Although this warm temperature can somehow be so comfortable, it can still be gateway for virus or bateria, especially after raining, suitable temperature and moisture can double their number quicker than usual. So a early Merry Christmas, and take care of health.

Many friends are going back to their hometown and most of them are gone at this moment. Now I am offered a chance of choosing to go or not, and there are several factors that affecting my decision: 1. mood; 2. uncertainty; 3. people around. From considering them in order, the first one is mood, in fact I do not really have a high-spiritual mind that ready for the holidays. However I find myself depressed again recently. Although it is not the first time to feel depressed, I still do not condition to cope with it. Secondly the uncertainty, this concerns me a lot. Since I am offered a chance but I am not confident that this chance will be there for me as well as I am making the choices. If it takes too long, this chance may just blown away. Last is the people around, at this point nothing really is worthy to mention about the people around, since it is my aestivation time that I will suspense my activity for a while. So the conclusion is, I will definitely choose to go back to Canton rather being depressed down here.

Back to the toic, which is scream. I suggest those people who read this post try to recall: when was the last time they scream to express themselves? Mine was too long ago to remember. I realize I want to scream but something stop me doing that. Because I care how others perceive me so screaming can be destructive their opinion to me. I start to feel regret to live in modern society because people just care about appearance too much. I mean the good-looking people always have advantages over the others: their fame, their chances, and the jealousy from the others. Somehow I feel myself being too small in this society to be who I want to be. Everyday I just look at those news or images of those successful people and I ask myself, why they can be who they are now? Maybe hard work? Or luck? But one common thing is people look at your appearance and judge you at that moment. So I do not have a choice, I have to be judged on the things that I am weak at - i'm ugly.

Back to screaming, stereotyping or judgement by people prevent me from expressing myself because I am to interract with them, and I do not want to be humiliated by them. I want to be good so I keep trying, and being depressed is because I have to show my "perfect" side to the others. This raises a problem that I am even "scared" to scream at people. "I am so not going to do this" or "that's so pointless" are roaming around my ears by the time I face the people who I interract with. So I keep silent, and walk pass. This becomes the start of my failure - the failure to speak out loud and scream, 'cause I care too much from the outside, just like how they care about your appearance.

So I "invent" one of my worst habits - silent screaming. As I mentioned before in one of my "historic park", I think I am a silent screamer. But at this point I want to emphasize the negative outcomes of being a silent screamer. The first suffering impact is my throat, as it gets infected for being too dry or something. The second thing is my ears: since they receive too much expression from themselves and loud music as well. At last my mind, which is to be "crashed... so that it can feel something." (quote from Graham in "Crash"). Anyway, at last just one that I care about the outside and the other the inside, my silent somehow does not work out as I used to expect. As I scream at more times, I felt like having more failures. It seems to me that even screaming does not convince me to let my troubles go away. I already have no one to scream at, and now, I can't even scream......

From the soundtrack of "Cars", Rascal Flat performs their "Life Is A Highway" in a passionate way that makes me understand the idea, "Life is about journey, not the finishing line." The lyrics collaborates with this idea and narrates a road trip of a man, and his life journey. The scenery on the trip, his lover, and appearance and reality become the inspirations that life is a journey, without ends, and hope is always there when you feel desperate. So "Life Is A Highway" is my tag of inspiration and courage to going on living.

The scenery in the journey are impressive and it triggers my nostalgia. Becuse I think comparing different objects is one of human's talents, if the scenery in the journey is beautiful, I will compare it with my past and it will make me feel like being refreshed and get ready to restart my life; however if the scenery is not so wonderful, it will impress me like a lesson. So that in Erikology, scenery in life journey can be called "the origin of experience", since different scenery has different impact on my thought. In "Life Is A Highway", the journey of a young man "from Mozambique to Mephis' lights, from Khyber Pass to Vancouver's nights," shows from those "cities and towns", which is in his blood, gives him a direction to life.

His lover is also mentioned in the lyrics, same as scenery, his lover is in his blood, "I love you now like I loved you then." Lover in Erikology is perceived as a supporter in your life journey, as it gives you energy to go. However, sometimes too much "caffeinated" lead to "sleepless night". So it is always to think again before I step too deep inside this kind of relationship. Lover can be then positive or negative to your journey, so it is important to get a balance and avoid stepping too deep. But in "Life Is A Highway", the narrator is confident with his lovership and the love is so deep, that in the blood. Although I disagree with taking deep step into love, as long as you are not so confident like me. That's the reason why this song is inspiring because it gives you energy, like love, for you to have more confidence.

Appearance and reality is a theme I learn from "Hamlet", where the world is not what it seems to be - corruption, the characters have facades - deception. So that appearance and reality is more like a negative theme in Erikology, because it signifies the duality of the nature of every object. However my stereotyping of the theme is broken after I listen to the song. And I think again, things can be better than what they look like to be. This reflects my negative attitude and maybe step to deeply into the story of "Hamlet". However the song gives me a courage to look back at my past and say, "it was not that bad." That is the reason that I find this song inspiring to my own life journey.

I will definitely recommand "Life Is A Highway" to all of my friends, 'cause it may become a inspiration too their own life journeys. But as in the interaction between people in this intermediate-globalized society, we can be each others' supporters in this long, or short journey of life, but "life is not about the finishing life", so catching your scenery, lovers and duality of objects' nature can help you get through and overcome the difficulties in life. Have a nice trip.