'Maybe I am scared to hear the answer...' I tell myself. Or maybe I already know the answer,  but I don't want to know what is there. I told my manager that I might resign this week, I was enlightend to take a new direction in my life, I think I decided to move on, rather than stucking at something that's not going to happen to me.

Impossibility, how many dreams and imagination it has killed? Reality, how many steps to what I want until I realize, the impossibility? I am enlightened that I need to walk upstream, not to oversees what's not supposed around me. I am still afraid to hear the answer after all, even I think I have experience quite a bit of stormy days. I am seperated, by desperation and difficulty that lying in front of me. I am defeated by myself. I wanted so much and I will need to be away from it. Denial is the only option I can take, to make me look like I do not care about it, even people just walk past their dreams or whatever they want in front of me, I said I don't care 'cause I do not have a dream.

I couldn't even sleep. I turned around this side to the other. The night is endless, and my neck is aching. I lower my head and wish there's no need to face whatever in front anymore. I am enlightened to deny, or I deny to be enlightened. One sounds so positive yet I can be upset if that's not going to happen, except in my sleep. Together, take it far, bring it back. I am moving on. I do not know where I am heading but just please, away from every dark-conered hiding game that lies a trap which has a piece of cheese in it, I won't be tempted, 'cause I denied.

Don't want to go. But I have to. It should be the best thing or a least destructive thing that I have tried to minimise its effects. Am I enlighted to a new direction or I just deny my recent spiritual state? It was once close to me an it is still next to me, but I decide not to rely on it or I will get dependent, not on myself, but on one which next to me. I look to the sun, I feel pain in my eyes 'cause of shining. But I head to where the sun is, at least I know that darkness can only chase my back, won't possibly confront me with surprise and disaster and... My face feel hot and I am still heading the sun, 'cause that's where I was born to head toward. Leave Darkness behind, I know I am independent, of it. I am enlightened to deny the fact that I am consumed by unfavourite factors, and I deny to be enlightened to live with it, I need independence, and what else I need.

Today's weather was horrible - rainy, windy, stormy (not quite, but it looks like it's going to be); I thought it would become another bad day in my first term of uni, since I was going to do my chemistry lab today as well. But surprisingly I did not find the lab was stressful like previous two times, at all. I could say I did not do pretty well today at lab but I still enjoyed it a lot.

On the way from lab to bus-stop, I was thinking if I started to like doing what I was doing at uni, I looked at people running around and I realized how real it feels to stand on Alfred Street and being a uni student. I was overwhelmed by all the study and work, and probably I still feel the same now. But there was definitely a slightly different thing going on today, I feel 'alive' and encouraged to try my best without worrying too much about what I will get by the end of the days, as long as I start liking doing what I am doing.

The funny thing was me and my lab partner were discussing how our supervisor hated us and that... it was funny that my lab partner was making faces behind our supervisor, brave! And I also made friends with my other two lab students who sit next to me (quite a shame to take a month to know the people around you). But I knew I was a loner and I didn't like making friends. But it is always a good thing that there are someones you can chat with during the lecture or lab or whenever you doing nothing.

So I still havn't gone into the topic so far I think. All I was talking about was how moody or different I can be or feel during the days. Today was definitely not a disaster for me, and gave me some hope for the future. But after this good night sleep, will I be ok tomorw? Or even a sunshining heaven will still bring me no 'luck'. I don't know, but at least I know that I should start looking at things from an opposite side to get to know it, rather than first impression. Human with senses bring human first impression, my senses are to bring me a totally different things but somehow still stick together in my mind. Should I be happy now, or should I keep being a loner and get through this year by my 'first impression'. But I won't forget I have such oppo' sides in my mind as well, just depends how often they change around to dominate, or where they going to occupy.

Don't feel like write about anything today 'cause I am sick. I am still struggling to find the office software for my work. But anyway, I will get over it. Another thing surprised me today was the cafe I always go to at uni, had a lot of people there today buying coffee, a lot! We were just lining up one by one and there were 9 cups of capuccino made at once. Good on them. Wish I can work at cafe, lol.

  Because of the early morning Chem 110 lecture I have for 4 days in a week, I have to wake up at 6 in the morning most of the time. The lecture sometimes finishes at 2, but some weeks (like next week), I will have two labs which on tue and thu, and I hav to stay at uni untill 5pm. This raises a really good challege to me as I have to physically and mentally supported to get along with such a long day, of overwhelming knowledge, and stress. I get over-coffeinated 'cause I drink a cup of capuccino a day at least, to keep me awake. But somehow it does not work as well as before since uni, maybe because I drink it everyday, I am still tired at afternoon classes. Should I bring some tea along with me? Of course I won't buy tea from those cafe for 3 dollars which has only tea bag and a cup of hot water, since my family make tea everyday at home. However coffee is different 'cause at cafe, they have all hot milk and freshly roasted coffee beans and so. . . If I consider cost-effectiveness in consuming coffeinated drink to keep me awake, coffee is just losing the value, but to just give me a little good roasted, bitter taste in my mouth. So I am thinking, I would probably make tea in the morning freshly and put it in a coffee cup, which I will buy this week.

But of course, if I have to choose either tea or coffee for my favourite, I would always choose tea, since I am not so much addicted to a strong taste from my drink, just like water, I like water 'cause it's not strong in taste but a bit sweetness in a sip when you feel thirsty, and I always make myself thirsty just for this little sweetness for the most convinient fluid that I can find anywhere at Uni. But to keep me awake I need some coffeinated drink, just like tea. I never put milk in my tea after I watched bbc news, as it said adding milk into tea would actually decrease the health value of it (but I still don't know what kind of health value there is in tea).

This health value thing of tea raises me another question, am I healthy? In my lecture, I was told that health can be explained into different ways, some people might say 'being healthy = absence of disease'; but some people might think a more complete well-being, kind of being good at bits of everywhere, = healthy. But another definition is also given by WHO(1948), saying 'health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmty." So I will never get healthy, at least I don't think I satisfy for any of the physical, mental or social well-being. None! So why the hell I still study about health science since I know getting perfect is impossible for most of the population. Maybe I study for basic knowledge so that I can have better chance getting into medicine (wonder how much better), or it is more important to get people close to, not all, just one or two out of these factors, and hopefully by the end myself too (of course not the end of  my life).

So after I talk so much I still havn't decide if I am going to take actions for my Project Tea or not, maybe I will stick with capaccino for a week or two if I can't be bothered to have another extra thing to do in the morning; or maybe I will just sit and sleep and pretend I am not sleeping in the afternoon lecture or labs; but anyway, none of them will make me happy after all, for sure.

University is the second chapter of y life in New Zealand, but it does not make me feel good. Everything is just overwhelming, including study, life and relationships. Sometimes I really wonder is the study that I can earn most? Or the troubles that facing me in life? Currently I am annoyed by my papers especially chemistry 110 and biological science 107, and also my parents' housing problem. Those are not trobling for the first time since uni started a month ago. I still need to find out a way that I can get less stressed from this and that, thus I can get a good sleep at night without thinking of all these troubles.

Most people that I asked if they liked uni or not, their answers are yes. But everytime I heard it and I would say, 'not me.' Since I had to catch up the study and keep my mind opening for the knowledge and eyes open for books, uni also physically exploited me by simply letting me running around everywhere in city. I just sort out my student loan for fees a couple of days ago and I still need to fiinish up the course-related. There only 2 weeks to tests and I still have no idea how to memorize all those new and enormous information. Chemistry lab is the one I hate the most, the girl sit next to me always annoys me by her unsensible questions that she does not even think before she ask about it. My supervisor also not a good one either. I find no help in that section and it results that I get stressed when I was doing my assignment and of course my mark will not be good. (I know that already before they will come up next week.

All good days are gone and this chapter really signifies the hell of uni for me (may not for you), but still hope I still can retain those left-over positive factors in my mind that support for such a long time already, hopefully till the end. Can't wait for a break.