Second term started, it seemed that Friday or weekend is the only time I can update my blog. If someone asks me why it is, i can only say that I need to study at weekdays. But believe or not, everyday I only spend like half an hour on 'Friends' and that's it, the rest of the day is at study and study, and it is still not enough. I still getting some of my core readings and information accumulated even I spend at least 2 hours at library and 3 hours at home to study for each day.

After I got the results for my papers' major tests last week, it was something that was warning me, that if I did not start to make any action to improve my grade, I am so going to fail getting into medicine. Lucky for biology the final exam will be just about all the lectures in term 2 not 1, so it is quite a relief that i can focus better on smaller scale. However not in the sme case for chemistry though, 'cause I still need to sit one test and then the final exam which kind of sum up all the stuff in the first semester. And more importantly I have to start looking at those other 2 population health papers which I used to think I could easily manage, since my grades for those two papers' test and assignment were even worse than bio and chem.

So unfortunately I do not have anything interesting to talk about at this post since everything is around uni uni and uni. Of course I wish I can start whipping and get fired so that I can get my last try before the final exam in June, so best luck to me.

Dirty Little Secret by The All American Rejects, is an old song, but still my favourite of all time. The reason I like this song is that there are just too many dirty little secrets in each of us. It is kind of funny to look at the vedio where there is 'pee in the sink', 'in love with best friend', 'want to be the other twin', 'laugh at fat people but own mom is huge', 'gay sex in toilet', 'people think I have stopped lying', 'afraid that no one like me as much as my dog', 'from rich family but shopliftng, everyday'...... Although many of these sounds fictionl to you or me but in fact there are still many more dirty little secrets that no one would notice, either of yourself. But as the song's lyrics says, 'no need to tell anyone else'. Wonder if I get into a relationship, how many of those dirty little secrets I am going to be exposed to, or to expose. But it is really important that each of these dirty little secret in each of us shape ourselves as who we are, as an unique individual rather than in those traditional division of culture, religion or sex or whatever. And at least I should feel proud that I have my dirty little secrets which make me 'abnormal'.... lol.

  Runaway is best description to my current stage, I am trying to face my fear but again I back down a step to prepare for the worst scenaro. I do not think I will be able to get over it so that I would runaway. But I get kind of bored of emphasising that I am trying to get away from problems and troubles, and my own emotions. But it is crucial for myself to reminding myself that direct confronting has great casulties.

I am still desperate waiting for 230th episode of Naruto, as he is chasing up those two members of Tsu$%@#% (hard to spell), who kidnapped Gaara. Gaara gives me an impression of strength and horror, since most people are amazed and feared to him as being Sands' 'ultimate weapon'. But I always believe in myself that I can reach a stage of using my knowledge and skills in my career rather than appearance and relationship (sometimes relationship is important but not always). Since I am a ugly person so the only thing I expect is to work hard towards my goal of getting into medicine.

However, it constantly sounds like an excuse to myself that not to make any approach, either a moment of ambitious approaching. I feel like a different person, who is weak and gutless, instead of brave and active seen in my uni study. But I think maybe I can't be perfect and it is for sure that I need to sacrifise something in return of other wishes.

Crucial fact is that I can't live without seeing you. I take one week break and I am already insane of walkin around but not dare to see you for even once. Maybe I am one of the person who try to attach your attention innocently by displaying an unpleasant facial expression or attitude.

I am moving house this Sunday, and I work Friday and Saturday nights. I feel uncertain but expect you coming at least have a look. But this makes non-sense. I am an ugly person afterall.

'When you're aronnd I don't know what to do, want to talk to you but don't know what to say. Turning into silence. I can not get it out of my mind. All the time, I need to be good to myself and I start walk out in silence. Now it makes me smile, of my silly move towards the gate without a goodbye.'

  Yeah, I think Sherry was right, leaving is kind of exercise I need to do every time to condition myself against stress and despair. However I am not ready to resign my job yet 'cause of the finantial benefit I gain, however I decide to finish it up with a experimental Erik's style - no talk, no hi, no goodbye. Cold war may be the worst thing happen to some of us but sometimes it just doesn't happen for us to see the worse side-effect of 'keep trying'.

I went to city bought a text book called 'Essential Epidemiology', I still quite worried about my assignment for population health 101, since I realize there are a lot of mistakes in referencing, hope I can get better than past. Anyway, Scientifi American explores the topic of 'eating to living' in one of the latest issues, it covers several articles written seperately by profesionals or 'brainy' guys, which about the risks and balance of health in relation with what we eat. So go to magazine shop and check it out.

I am still looking for a place for the whole family to move, and it is not going to be easy by just checking different places everyday since there are only 5 days to go. I think this time we have to make a tough but quick decision that needs to be considered by all 15 percent use of my brain. But I think the most valuable thing I learn everytime from moving is that I am pushed to deal with people, since each party holds consideration of its own benefit.

But anyway, I don't know why I name this post close my eyes. Maybe I wish to close my eyes and fall into dream well enough so that I can sleep more than 8 hours a day instead of currently 5 - 6 hrs. Or maybe I just close my eyes and walk away from it and pretend that I don't care. But neither of them are practical so I just leave it here to satisfy my little needs of expression and hopefully before term 2 starts I can get most of the stuff sorted. 

我还是确定的离开那一道门，我又一次失手在和别人的相处。就像杨千嬅的化，我已经不觉得人际关系是一种重要的部分。有时候我会担心太多，甚至睡不了觉，但我还是希望我能够放开一点。我的却有一点后悔昨天所做的一切，可是我还有其他的选择麽？我在想，竟然我昨晚已做出了第一步，就等于我要一直装下去。有时候觉得自己给自己总是选一些难走的路，可是我的经验不允许我继续前进。我可以辞职就走，不再回头。可是现在的我又舍不得离开，又知道再呆下去会令我痛苦。难道人总是会为这些事情而烦恼的麽？

杨千嬅 - 化

别离未算久 别漫谈如挚友 令清修的我再失守 
别凝望太久 令面容如刺绣 像一针一血的引诱 
一巴一巴 情感打不化 没碰著你再爱谁未算假 

何必担心下半生 何苦不信任缘份 
谈多几次心 自然就似情人 唯有甘心 
无需等的别要等 庸碌一世没遗憾 
人家不费心亦能恩爱互吻 谁说别人未衬 
情不必太深 若能不执著你 谁不懂去互吻 

泪还未转圈 便被人嫌我怨 
扮开心果也够辛酸 
旧情未算短 令别人如副选 
像他的衫也该 你穿 
收得多花 迟早火花都化 
未信共对上百年未爱他 

如果恋爱为结婚 如果拥抱为名份 
何苦等半生 没人没有情人 如果甘心 
谁的心可及你狠 谁肯恩爱亦荣幸 
难刻骨铭心 亦能找到护荫 
忘爱自然合衬 

'When I took my step out of here, I thought I never came back again, not even with any goodbye to you.' Ek was talking to himself. 'I tried so hard to be at this stage, and I ain't going to do nothing to any obstacles.' Today Ek left, tomorow he may come back. But what Ek thinks about now is all about his next step, should he go forward, or step back? Within the continuum, he evolved over time, like a ring-by-ring connection. But his experience tells him that he shoould go forward, but Ek is desperate in looking behind. What he wants is always behind his future, and tha's what he knows for sure.

 There is always funny little thing happen in our childhood, with our shadows. Many of us were scared, 'cause it would be weird for the first time you realize there was some black objects following behind you. The shadow attached to my feet and I felt like it had been tied around my legs. What an innocent thought! But I did not realize that having a string tying around me made me feel secured. I did not even notice that the stronger and warmer the sun, the darker my shadow.

Now shadow is the only friend of me, being next to me when I feel alone, giving me courage when I feel upset, and letting me stand up when I am down. The thing I used to be scared of became my only companion, at my journey. It is ironic to say, that I rely on something that I was sick of, all the time. I take the longer way towards my destination. And I think shadow would be the only one can support me from the beginning till the end.  

I don't know if my title makes sense or not, but I want to talk about competition today. Since I am doing health science first year, I can feel the competition from all other people in getting into medicine. It is really the first time that I feel such pressure. I know there will be no backing for my choice. I get only b plus for my chhemistry and that is just not going to put me on the place I want to. So I think it is time for me to quit doing something and start thinking, what is more important to me.

There are different kinds of races in life, sometimes I race against the time, or sometimes with others, or sometimes against myself. Time is always not enough. Is that because there are just simply too much to do? Or is that I havn't done well enough to keep on track? Sometimes I feel breathless when I realize there are only half an hour to test and I still have one block of unit to read and memorize those key points. So counting down is really bad apparatus that keeps working in my head. But without this apparatus, I don't have the sense of time. Someimes I race with others like I said, in my course, to compare myself to others or overall marks, see how I can position myself in the next 'battle'. I race withmysef too, but mostly I win the old me 'cause I gain new knowledge and experience everyday, so that is not going to be a big problem.

If I need to tell what kind of things I need to race now, I think the first one will be my parents' housing problem. 'Cause we still havn't figured out where to move to and what kind of price range we can afford; but there are only 12 days to go. This is a race with time. I worry a lot about it currently and I am still quite negative about it. Anther race will be in study, 'cause I just finished those major tests in the first term but after two weeks it will be the second term which is end of Sem 1. By that time there will be so much lecture and revision and I think it is best for me if I can catch up my study during these two weeks.

So what I can do about life races? I think I can't do much about it until I see the direction of what I will do in certain thing, after the direction is set, other things will become more easy. Relaxing is easy to say but hard to do. 'Cause everytime when I tried to relax, those worrying and anxious thought would just come out from nowhere, or anywhere. So I got quite tense like a 'string' this moment and I still havn't figured out how to release this string a bit. So do I have a holiday? I am afraid not.

  Sometimes things can get exaggerated in a way that you don't expect it will happen, just like you get ditched by your friends and you feel like there is nothing called friendship anymore. Maybe I just feel angry all the time by the fact that I am not that approachable or it is hard to have a relationship with me. However, it turns out that if nothing lucky happens to me, I will just blame someone else. People are not paying attention to each other just because there are too many, like at AU, I don't really look at people while I am walking, and somehow I never get tripped. That's why maybe some of the people who know me would think that I do not want to say 'hello' to them or something, and that's their believes.

Everything can become a belief. You can believe that one day you will win a 18 million Lotto like the guy up North Is, or you may believe that you did not do that bad in your test. My believes are equivalent to wishes. What I wish is what I believe. So it happens that everytime I believe so much that certain thing will happen, reality will always turn its way away from me. So I think it can be why that I never look at people while I am walking, simply just because I walk on my own 'believes'.

However, million times of experiences support the hypothesis that seeing is always better than believing. Why? At least you won't get too away from reality. Believing can somehow be a way that people express their wish in a inrealistic thought, or just simply head towards the direction without considering surroundings. Seeing may brings unhappiness, but more likely seeing help identifying risks, but somehow seeing also prevent you to going a further step.

But sometimes I am confused that if what I see really exists, or it is just what I WISH to see. Always blaming creation theory that why we can't seperate our abstract mind away from our vision, since pictures can be biased due to ones' imagination. So it is really important at this stage that I not only see what I see, but I also have to seperate it from what I wish to see.

So where is the line anyway. I don't think there can be a clear line seperate them in extremes, since our nerves attaches to our eyes and our brain too. However it might help to write down a note or something of what you see in reality and always put on your note-book's screen, so that it can always remind you. It is a painful thing to do but I am afraid the good thing is that human get conditioned to stuff really fast, too fast.

So is seeing better believing. Depends on which kind of person I am. Seeing can prevent further risks and believing bring you satisfaction. But even I try to ask myself if that's possible to co-operate two things together? Maybe they can occupy different 'niches' so that they can get less related or easier for 'user' to interconvert between. But I think the another best way of doing this is to catagorising stuff into either to see or to believe. If you think that risk can cost you thousand dollars, of course to see it better than believe, or if it's just a little gambling that can satisfy your imagination, just to believe. So in the example of relationship, I get ditched and I am to see, that friendship with those people can be less important than other stuff in my life, and to believe that I am the one who ditched them.

  Chapter One
  The reason for me to stay, is to be buried forever. I was to leave but I turned back. Untill the end... I walked the other way around. My thought led too far, away from reality. I sat in my car and looked, through to the other side, I begged myself to take my knees down for another chance. But I just feel lucky that I didn't. I did not lose my dignity and pride. I am still unapproachable, you might say. But after I attached to you for no reason, or the reason which to be buried forever, I lose myself.

  Chapter Two
  I can see your smile, just like a child. Pretty much everyday life is going around the same point. We have not been close to each other not yet too far. I see you sometimes, during a week or two. So that I think, will those white-wings fly down from city of angel, to tell me the truth that once I was falling from a building and lost my memory, just for being a normal human, for being with you.

  Chapter Three
  It feels like a dream, and I sit on the road. Cars past by, people look at me, like a stranger that too close to them with some potential life or capital threatening dangers. Rocky chair was my heaven, rocky chair is my bed. I feel like I am loving the air, no memory, no marks, and no scen, but it just around me to embrase or involve me deeply under the atmosphere, so that I can feel something out of nothing. But nothing can make me feel alive anymore, dreamy.

  Chapter Four
  I came from the other way around, I may say. I just want to see you untill the end, I may wish to tell. I want to be involved for another great sweet thing that Shakespeare could've turned it into a great tragedy. But so did I. I did put everything in contrast with another Pole, just like the presence of proton makes me feel the electric. But I am somehow the other proton only being circled by cloud of electrons simply because I am more positive. I am blinded and I am addicted to this electrical moment. So that I am always far from there, the place with your smile, with my dream, with you.